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Nancy Colier: Waking Up from Our Addiction to Technolo...

Nancy Colier is a psychotherapist, interfaith minister, meditation teacher, and the celebrated author of books such as Inviting a Monkey to Tea: Befriending Your Mind. With Sounds True, Nancy has written a new book called The Power of Off: The Mindful Way to Stay Sane in a Virtual World. In this episode of Insights at the Edge, Tami Simon and Nancy have a frank discussion of the large-scale modern addiction to cell phones, email, and social media. Nancy offers ways one can recognize addictive behavior and how we can break out of compulsive cycles around technology. They also talk about parenting in the digital age and the importance setting appropriate boundaries when it comes to electronic media. Finally, Nancy considers the need for a “digital detox” and how it is imperative that we all set aside time to spend in silence. (65 minutes)

How to Be Seen, Really Seen, in Front of a Camera

Feeling vulnerable, exposed, or uncomfortable in front of a camera is perfectly normal. While we might pose confidently, it isn’t uncommon to be wondering what others will see about us. Why are we so frightened?

Underneath our fear of being criticized, we are afraid of truly emanating from our cores—of sharing our brilliant and unique essence.

The problem is that we don’t know how to be seen.

WHAT ARE YOU HIDING?

The first thought that comes to my mind when considering this question is the well-known passage from Marianne Williamson entitled, “Our Deepest Fear.”’

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
 Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?
 You are a child of God.
 Your playing small does not serve the world.
 There is nothing enlightened about shrinking 
so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do.
 We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us. It is not just in some; it is in everyone.
 And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give other people permission to do the same.
 As we are liberated from our fear,
 our presence automatically liberates others.”

—Marianne Williamson

Here’s what I take from this: When we let our own unique light shine, we can begin to understand our own truth.

The act of expression gives others permission to release their own inhibitions. Whether I’m in a session with someone, or out in the world, I am constantly reminded of this.


WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE SEEN?

Whether we’re pointing it at a person, a landscape or a building, a camera can reveal the truth. So—isn’t it time that you allow the camera to be your friend? What if the camera’s deepest desire is for you to be fully seen as the magnificent, radiant, talented and perfect person that you really are?

Perhaps you’d begin to regard the camera as an opportunity to be seen. Whether it’s by an intimate partner, our boss or the checkout person at the supermarket, being seen can make an entire day brighter. We all wish to be authentically recognized for our uniqueness; we all wish to be loved, just the way that we are.

Imagine how fearless you’d feel if, in every moment and throughout every situation in your life, you knew without a shadow of a doubt that every person you met fully saw your unique gifts, saw your wholeness. The floodgates would open and you’d be unstoppable. There would be no limiting thoughts in your awareness because you’d know that everyone truly sees and supports your grandest expression!

When we are present in our true spirit, nothing can break it. And what better way to practice that than by doing so in front of a camera? Stare at the lens and imagine it’s  reflecting love, praise and devotion back to you. Imagine it’s the inside of your heart, winking at you. That may sound like a stretch, but it sure beats resisting the process every time. Take the exciting opportunity to be seen—really seen—in front of the camera.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: CARL STUDNA



Author Photo Carl Studna How to Be Seen

Carl Studna is a world-renowned photographer and videographer, inspirational
speaker, teacher and multi-award-winning au
thor of the books CLICK! Choosing Love…One Frame at a Time and Evolution of Loving.

Over the past 30 years, Carl has been assigned all over the world to shoot CD and album covers, book covers, and other publicity platforms for musicians, teachers and authors such as Paul McCartney, George Harrison, James Brown, Jefferson Airplane, Eric Clapton, Elton John, Genesis, Kenny Loggins, His Holiness the Dalai Lama, Deepak Chopra, Tom Robbins, Ram Dass, Marianne Williamson and John Bradshaw, and his work has appeared in many prominent magazines, including Rolling Stone, Musician, Time and USA Today.

Carl received his Bachelor of Arts degree in Expressive Arts from Sonoma State University and his Masters degree in Spiritual Psychology from the University of Santa Monica, and is also a member of the esteemed Transformational Leadership Council, a group of leaders of personal and organizational transformation who support one another in their contributions to the world.

Click here to join a free video event with Carl Studna!

 

The Wake Up Festival 2013!

Dear friends, I want to invite all of you to come spend a week with us in the gorgeous Rocky Mountains this summer where we will create a holding environment of the most radical love and healing together. I’d love to see you this summer and to spend this precious time with you and our dear friends Adyashanti, Tara Brach, Jack Kornfield, Snatam Kaur, David Whyte, Anne Lamott, Jeff Foster, Shiva Rea, Reggie Ray – and many others.

Learn more about The Wake Up Festival 2013

The world’s spiritual traditions agree with the poets, artists, and healers: we can live with a heart that is fully open to the singular beauty of each moment. The Wake Up Festival is your opportunity to join more than 30 authors and teachers in community with hundreds of fellow travelers on the path to celebrate the heart’s unfolding—and the very real possibility of spiritual awakening in the here and now.

When we touch a limitless sense of being – vast, open, undivided – we paradoxically become more uniquely ourselves, more empowered and on fire to bring forward our unique gifts. We wake up to our courage, to our authenticity, and to claiming our own value in the world. The Wake Up Festival explores this awakening from a wide range of different perspectives, and is an event like no other. Our focus is on opening our hearts to an all-encompassing embrace and doing so in a supportive retreat-like environment.

Learn more about The Wake Up Festival 2013

Intimacy as the most vulnerable yoga

Can we allow another to deeply matter to us? Are we willing to take the risk to let them all the way inside – to really see, know, and touch our most core vulnerabilities; to open ourselves so profoundly that we’re left utterly naked and fully exposed, knowing that in any moment our hearts could shatter into millions of pieces? Many of our childhood biographies involved a very unstable environment, an uncertain reality where it was not safe to let another become too important, where we spent much of our time and energy learning exactly what we had to say and do in order to receive the love, care, affection, attention, and holding that we so sweetly needed. We can be quick to judge and admonish these early adaptive strategies, seeing them as “unspiritual” or neurotic or crazy, but perhaps they were in actuality the most luminous expressions of a certain kind of intelligence and creativity. Perhaps, upon deeper examination, they might come to be seen as special forms of grace, put in play by the great architect of love to ensure our own survival, as profound gifts sent to ensure the flowering of our precious hearts and nervous systems. As innocent little ones, we very naturally allow others to deeply matter; it is part of who we are. Over time, though, many of us have come to see that this sort of exposure is tremendously risky; it’s just too raw, too open, too scary. But as little ones we can’t really help it; we’re wired to connect.

Often in the challenges inherent in intimate relationship, we become convinced that it is our partner who is causing us to feel so bad. The evidence is so clear… isn’t it? They don’t respect us, they speak unkindly to us, they don’t understand us, they’re never there when we really need them, they just can’t quite connect with who we are at the deepest levels; and the big one – they just don’t meet our needs. We put a lot of pressure on our partners (and on ourselves, for that matter) to “meet our needs.” Before we know it, much of our lives become organized around getting our needs met; and there is something about this that can start to feel a bit off. It can be really helpful to take some time and look at this carefully. Of course there is likely some relative truth in these traits and behaviors in our partners, and they are worth exploring. This is not to say that the other person isn’t actually speaking and acting in unkind, overly defensive, or critical ways, and that this shouldn’t be related with. But we might also come to see that just by being in relationship, we will be forced to feel feelings that we really don’t want to feel.

To allow in those intense and challenging emotions and sensations which have previously been lodged in the body can be terrifying. Do we really want to do this? Maybe tomorrow; for now, it’s best to go take a walk, listen to some music, write another rambling facebook post, contemplate how awakened we are, make another cup of tea, or do some meditation. It’s not so much that our partner is doing something *to* us, but rather when we open ourselves to love, there are previously unmet emotions and sensations there, lurking in the unconscious, seeking the light of day. For many, it is in the context of a vulnerable, naked, intimate relationship where that which is still unresolved will most powerfully present itself to be metabolized and healed. If we look closely, perhaps we can see how we organize our lives around not having to feel certain feelings. To see this can be quite illuminating – and often very disturbing. It is easy to then fall into our old habitual patterns of self-aggression or avoidance, to start to become unkind to ourselves, falling into spiritual superegoic judgment, self-hatred, and shame.

lovers

Another option is to make the radical commitment to practicing the yoga of love, of holding ourselves in an enormous environment of kindness. We stay unconditionally committed to the truth that whatever arises in our experience – no matter how disturbing, anxiety-provoking, “unspiritual,” confusing, painful, or difficult – that it is ultimately workable, that it is a precious part of our own hearts that we wish to know deeper and to integrate into the entirety of what we are. We can be grateful for the gift of clear seeing, even if what we see is disturbing and anxiety provoking, for it is a certain kind of grace which allows us to finally see the ways we organize our experience, and how all of our neurosis and our strategies were our best efforts at the time to take care of ourselves. We are being given a gift, a fierce gift you could say, and an opportunity to let love dismantle those protective strategies that once served us, but no longer are.

Let us all hold those we’re in relationship with, including ourselves, by committing to taking love’s journey with them, knowing nothing about the route or the destination. Let us be kind to ourselves and our partners if we decide to truly take up the most vulnerable yoga of intimacy, knowing that it will take everything we have and are to navigate, as it offers fruits beyond this world.

Painting by Albena Vatcheva

 

Take Your Inner Child on Playdates

Have you ever been ice-skating before? It sounds like a fun winter activity (especially if you enjoy the cold, like I do), but it can be frustrating and even downright scary if you’re new to it.

Picture this: I took my nephew ice-skating for the first time, full of excitement to see him experience some joy. At twelve years of age, he was already taller than me and had size thirteen feet thanks to his six-foot-eight-inch-tall dad (my brother). The biggest rental skates they had came with worn-out laces rather than the secure plastic bindings all of the other skates had. I could see that they were a little loose around the ankle, but we tied them as best we could and hit the ice.

If you’ve ever seen a newborn deer figuring out how to walk for the first time, you can picture my nephew’s first time on ice skates. His ankles kept knocking in, and he was reaching to hold onto anything for dear life as he wobbled around the perimeter of the rink. It was difficult to watch, not because it was embarrassing, but because I know how hard he is on himself when he’s not immediately good at new things. I wanted to see him having fun, and instead I saw him frustrated and discouraged as all he could do was attempt to remain vertical.

I figured it couldn’t get worse, so I suggested that we trade in his skates for a smaller pair with the more secure plastic buckles to see if that made any difference. He went along with it, probably just to humor me, and we stuffed his feet into some size twelves and made sure his ankle support was good as could be. When I tell you it was a night and day difference, I’m not exaggerating. Suddenly he was speeding around the ice like a pro, lapping past me and his sisters with the biggest smile on his face. He circled the rink over and over again; as his confidence grew, so did his joy, and he even began to try tricks and spins. All he had needed was one little adjustment to his foundation, and he suddenly felt safe enough to have fun.

Here’s the thing: most of us go around in our lives on rickety old skates with worn-out laces. When your only focus is doing your best to remain upright, there’s not much room for joy or play. The big shame in that is that play often is the medicine we most need.

In my experience, the crux of inner child work is reconnecting to the part of you who knows how to play. Sometimes you may first need to make some adjustments that allow you to feel safe enough to play, like practicing nervous system regulation and self-soothing. Once you’ve done that, though, your goal is to invite in as much play as possible. And not adult versions of play that are really just a facade for dissociative behaviors, but real, childlike wonder.

Invite in curiosity and awe and silliness and uninhibited joy. Start by returning to the things you loved to do when you were a kid. Maybe that means setting aside time each weekend for arts and crafts. Maybe it means participating in physical activities that feel like play, such as dancing, swimming, sports, or jumping on a trampoline. Maybe it just means giving yourself permission to skip while you walk or sing while you drive.

The point is, when you bring those younger versions of you into your present-day life, you not only have more fun, but you also experience more healing. We were never meant to lose touch with our inner child. Yes, it’s important to learn how to be self-sufficient and responsible, and aging is inevitable. But it’s equally important not to take yourself too seriously along the way.

Try This

Your homework is to set regular playdates with your inner child. Do things that sound like fun, even if they don’t make logical sense. Allow yourself to be as carefree and openhearted as possible, without judging the things that bring you joy. The sillier it feels, the more on point you likely are. Here are some examples to consider:

  • Take an afternoon off of work and go to an amusement park.
  • Schedule an evening of watching your favorite childhood movies.
  • Spend the weekend out in nature, frolicking with your imagination.
  • Try something brand new, like rock climbing or ice-skating, to tap into that feeling of beginner’s mind.

Play is an important part of our overall well-being. Consistently making time to get into that creative flow state will help you deepen your relationship with your inner child . . . and your adult self. I suggest checking in at least once per month, if not weekly, to see where you can fit more play into your life.

Excerpted from Choose Your Self: How to Embrace Being Single, Heal Core Wounds, and Build a Life You Love.

Megan Sherer

Megan Sherer is a certified somatic therapist and licensed hypnotherapist whose mission is to help others build healthy and fulfilling relationships, starting with self. She hosts the Well, Then podcast and founded the women’s therapy app The Self Care Space. For more, visit megansherer.com.

Choose Your Self

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Rabbi Tirzah Firestone, PhD: Harnessing Ancestral Pain...

Our understanding of the severe scope of trauma in our world has greatly expanded in recent years. This includes intergenerational trauma, something that all of us likely carry within. In this episode of Insights at the Edge, Tami Simon speaks with Rabbi Tirzah Firestone about her book Wounds into Wisdom and our collective task to acknowledge, face, and work to heal our invisible wounds and break the cycle of intergenerational trauma. 

Tami and Tirzah discuss: the concept of “image deposits” and “task deposits”; dreams containing real-life experiences of our ancestors, and how they are far more common than we might think; the shift from impotence to agency; harnessing our pain as a fuel for growth; how the human nervous system holds on to unresolved trauma despite the debilitating consequences; hypervigilance and the dangers of overactive stress hormones; overcoming self-blame, shame, unworthiness, and isolation; unlearning inherited beliefs that impair our well-being; choosing compassion instead of “othering”; the roots of anti-Semitism; kabbalah, the mystical branch of Judaism; disidentifying from victimhood; the power of being witnessed; why healing intergenerational trauma is a gift to both our ancestors and our descendants; self-regulation and coming back home to ourselves in nurturing ways; a guided practice for finding inner safety amid stressors; alchemizing pain into wisdom (instead of passing it on); and more.

Note: This episode originally aired on Sounds True One, where these special episodes of Insights at the Edge are available to watch live on video and with exclusive access to Q&As with our guests. Learn more at join.soundstrue.com.

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